the other side...

Hmmm! Well, it has been quite a while... actually, I forgot for a while about this blog! Who really cares about my ramblings... sometimes, I don't even care. Truthfully, life has been so busy... since the last post I have done a year of treatment(for melanoma), had it "reoccure", 6 weeks of radiation, moved into a new house, served as president of Junior Auxiliary and had a grand total of 10 PET scans... and now here it is February 15,2010 and I am 2 years and 1 month completely cancer free!!! It can be a little undoing to think that number.. because that means that my family has lived this bad dream for 3 1/2 years. I really had a moment yesterday with Greg and Noel... there was a "youth/parent" workshop @ church... we had to share with our child the worst day of our life... I watched my precious husband come undone over me... and "that day" when I had to call him and tell him that I had cancer. He was @ market in NC and couldn't get home... I was alone-but, so was he! We are so shortsighted... I saw the pain in his eyes all this time later-sometimes we don't think of the ones around us and how they are processing our "stuff." Then my 12 year old son was asked to pray over me... as he did, he thanked God that I was well... My men are so precious and kind.. I cannot imagine a moment without them!!!

I have been busy and I enjoy that ... but, I really need some direction. I feel a tug at my heart and know that there is something else out there that God is going to use me for... just haven't found it yet! I am seeking and searching wanting this girl's life to be what God wants it to be... This weekend was eyeopening... what I am good at-what I want to do with my life-what God wants me to do...

Merry Christmas

Well, aren't we cute... this was our Christmas card picture this year... we usually do just the redheads but I caved in and so... here WE ALL are. Not a bad picture.. Noel's friend,Graham, may have found his calling in life... he did a great job on this one!! Gracias, Graham-y T. Christmas was great in a didn't feel like Christmas kind of way... Weather: not cold! Decoration: not great.. house for sale and did not want to "clutter" it up! Mood: good and very thankful ... just not really peaceful... kinda' like there was something off... I think that it is the fact that we know that my treatment begins on January 8... and, none of us really know what to expect... The hardest part for me is when people say," You look so good!" Like I am supposed to look sick and I don't... Because... I am not sick!! God is bigger than what we think is "supposed" to be. Also, I am not real good with the "people doting on me" thing... I am better with the "doting on others" thing... It is hard for me... to relax and let others be the ones giving and me be the one receiving.. Working on it .. not there yet but working on it...

One of the things that Santa got me was a book, Praying the Names of GOD by Ann Spangler. I have wanted to study them for a while(and the names of Jesus) and thought that this would be a great time to do it....Each guide is 6 months worth of study... there are my 12 months... I cannot wait until Monday... I am really looking forward to the next year in a really weird way... I always feel like I have to be in the MIDDLE of whatever is going on... and this treatment thing is giving me an "excuse" to sit in the back of the bus and just ride for a while... My sweet husband has told me on MANY occasions to slow down.. take care of Susie... blah! blah! blah! and recently he said(several times) "God has let this happen to SLOW YOU DOWN!!! You were not going to any other way!!" and ... I really think he's right! Ooooo, did I type that out loud!?!?

I can't wait to see what we all learn at this house during the coming year... We are on the count down now... We are 25 minutes from the last day of an interesting year... and the one that is stretched out before us... It will probably be a doozie too!!

Thank you, Lord that you know what is going on and I don't have to be in control of everything... Teach me to remember that you are Yahweh Yireh (the Lord will Provide) and Yahweh Rophe ( the Lord who Heals) and above all you are my Abba (Father). How I love you ... thank you for all that You are and all that you are teaching me to be. Amen 

THE THINKER

This is my first-born.. my "practice run".. my "at-home" trail version!! He has taught me so much and doesn't even know it.. He really is THE THINKER.. He is ALWAYS one ahead of me and that is the scariest part of the whole deal... Like tonight, for example, we were riding across town to pick up his friend to spend the night.. and he started rambling off something about bats.. and then moved into chemistry... YIKES!!! and he is only 9 and in the 4th grade... We are always on our toes with this one.. He is so bright... funny(in spite of himself), caring, loving ... very loyal and terribly independent!!! He asked me today what "part" of me and his papa(my daddy) he has... He has heard us say that his little brother looks like my daddy... What is his "part"??? He has so much of my daddy in him that it really frightens me... He is a reader, thinker, do-er, a quiet force of nature... ALL of this could have discribed my daddy... and he is named after my daddy...

He just about blows my mind daily. He is growing up so fast.. I love to be around him and talk to him. He is a very deep and spiritual kid...He asks the best questions and really wants the WHOLE answer!!! Our pastor told my husband that he doesn't seem his age... he seems older... I have always thought that he had an old soul.. He just is very mature for his age...

He loves cowboys and history and facts... and if the 3 things are all involved in a movie or book he is ALL OVER THAT!!! Right now he plans to attend West Point and Harvard Law School and then go on into the JAG corp... If there is anyone that I know that could it is Noel...He is so determined.. This past fall he decided to run for student council... ran a great campaign and won...VERY COOL!!! and that also made him class president..

Recently he told me that he thought that leaders aren't born... they are made... I sorta' disagree... I think that someone has to have the ability to lead and then it has to be nurtured.. Noel has that ability and I am going to help him any way that I can... I cannot wait to see what God has in store for this little man....

God gave me the 2 greatest kids ever ... and this practice run kid is too amazing that I sometimes get misty watching him do his stuff... from play the violin on the Performing Arts stage or giving a "welcome" at a Christmas brunch at school or swimming the breast stroke in the state championships.... Whatever he does I want to watch it ALL... he makes me so proud..

Thanks God for my first born son!!! 

mommaqueen

Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la!!!! That is how I feel today...It is only a few daze before Christmas and the boys and I are having a great time..Greg is on a business trip and so we are just doing what we want to ... when we want to... Kinda' nice to not have a real strict schedule!!! The last week of school before the break was CRAZY!! Every day was filled with events and parties.. I am pooped from the running back and forth(they go to 2 different schools) So, that is why I have not posted in a long time.. not because I did not want to- I have just been busy and really did not have any thoughts that I really wanted to remember... Since my last post I have been on my first oncology appt. Yeah me!!! It wasn't really so bad.. but not so good either!! The waiting room was too crowded and that part freaked me out... Dr. Hill, my oncologist(yikes), is super great.. and the nurse that drew my blood... well, lets just say that I will be waiting for her EVERY TIME I have to be stuck... I have rollie pollie mini veins.. and she hit it the first time.. A FIRST!!!

The way this treatment was explained to me is pretty simple.. I do not have cancer right now.. they got everything and it had not spread to the nodes(YEAH GOD) ... sooooooo, this is all preventative... And, I will be scanned and checked regularly for a long time!!! Mole check anyone!! WEAR Sunscreen!!!

For the first 4 weeks I will make a daily trip to the lovely OVERCROWDED local cancer center... make my way to a chair and wait for my turn...then I will be hooked up to an I V bag for 2 - 3 hours.. then sent home to feel flu-like and take care of my family(to the best of my ability) until I return the next morning... This will be the Monday - Friday routine.. I get weekends off to rest ... at the end of the first 4 weeks I will see Dr. Hill, have blood work done.. and begin the 11 month portion of the journey... This will be a 3 day a week treatment that I will do myself(or a nurse/friend.. depends on my ability to STICK myself)!! Won't I be a fun girl!! The doctor says that I will not feel good... flu-like.. I will be ok... I have lots and lots of people praying me through and I have lots of help too...I have also started taking these pills called JUICE PLUS... and just 2 weeks in to this I really can tell the difference!! The pills are not vitamins, they are whole foods... and they work on the cellular level... making the body work properly from the inside out.. (do I sound like a commercial or what) I really can tell a difference.. Thanks, Ang!!! I started the pills to get my body in good shape before "T" day(treatment day)...

I really am so thankful for my family and friends.. They are taking great care of me... and I really am good!!! Just very very ready for this all to start and then for it to finish!!

ALL ABOUT "E"

This my littlest redhead... The safari guide(last year's kindergarten play)... the friend of Julia( his special school friend)... the happiest boy I know(until bedtime)... the ray of sunshine that looks like my daddy so much sometimes that my eyes get wet inside(an eric-ism)... Let me tell you about my "E"( his nickname started when "E"li Manning was at Ole Miss).... This will be funny- promise!!!
I thought that I would devote a day to each one of my boys.. Remembering who they are right now so that someday.. like when they are driving cars and me crazy I would STOP... SMILE.. and be thankful for these moments... Today is "all about eric"!!!
This "BUG CRUST" was found on a recent field trip the Church Street School 1st grade took to an apple orchard in Pontotoc County.. The very best first grade field trip... (I have been on a few)!!! The weather, the apples, the kids... such fun!!! Once we got there... There was a wreak on the way and we had to detour through the back roads of Pontotoc County... YIKES!!! Mississippi back roads are interesting and somewhat confusing- unless you grew up on them... I did not... and well, lets just say that I was grateful that someone was leading me that day... It's kinda' like life.. I am glad that GOD is leading me!!!
Anyway, the bug holder here had such fun... He gathered apples with the other 4 boys in his class...We only had one, Eli(not Manning), step into an ant bed... minor-very minor!!! We picnicked and played and had a blast... Thanks to his teacher.. I have this great shot!!!
Let's talk about school... Ms. Williams has her hands full with this one.. He is sooooooooooo smart.. but, tries to hide it well... School is just a waste of good daylight to our "E"... He can find much more fun things to do... like, be a pirate, work in his "office," lasso a calf head in a bale of hay, torment his older and more sophisticated (HAHAHAHAHA) brother... anything EXCEPT school... Spelling and reading are not his favs.. Math and the p.e. rock wall are the TOPS!!! The only way to get him out of his cowboyboots is to remind him that it's "rock wall" day... Whatever works- right???
He is so kind and has such a heart ... wet eyes again!!! He has a special friend at school, Julia< that he has taken upon himself to be her guide, protector, and friend forever!!! She is a downs child and they met last year and are INSEPERABLE!!!! This year they are in different classrooms and that is a mistake... The special ed teacher will "lose" Julia at school and "find" her in Eric's room.. sitting by him .. and he will be helping her... His heart is so kind... He was telling us this weekend that the other kids at school aren't being nice to Julia and that it hurt HIS feelings... Thank you, GOD for a special boy and for his special friend...
Another example of his heart... When he was 3 1/2 he got married to the cutest little girl around... he did!! her older brother did the ceremony at her 3 year old swimming birthday party... He got her a heart necklace(picked it out himself) and kissed her(on the cheek) and that was that... Well, they are still in like with each other and that is great!!!! Well, she is very sick and in the hospital. When I told him.. He said," lets pray and get her flowers and ice cream." So, WE DID!! He went to see her there yesterday!!! She is a little better but not good yet.. We are still praying!! GET WELL MARY!!
This only the beginning of life with"E"... He is a walking bundle of fun.. I will remember more another day....

Dear Lord, Thank you for Eric... the little ray of sunshine that he is ... His heart, his mind, his spirit... Bless him today... Help him to see that school is necessary and benificial to being a grown-up.. Keep his heart pure and loving .. Let him always be a defender of the special people in our world... Help him to always keep the spark in him that is from you GLOWING BRIGHT!!! 

a letter to my friends

Dear Church Street PTA friends,

Some of you may or may not know what has happened in my life since our last meeting... I went to have a peskie little mole(that had changed some) removed... It did not look like a "BAD" one but tests proved differently. It was a malignant melanoma - and a pretty BAD one at that. So, to make a long frightening story short... A few scary nights alone(Greg was in High Point for market) , a couple of doctor's appointments, a PET scan, getting to know the nuclear med guys well(2 visits), surgery and biopsy and LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of prayer later... I am all clear of cancer... There was nothing else there and they got iwhatever was there in the surgery... I will do some preventative treatment once I heal from the surgery. But, as I have been telling everyone I see... " I am ALL good!!!" So, if you have prayed for me... THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU... and don't stop!!! I know that all but for the grace of GOD I would not be where I am right now...

S

p.s. Wear sunscreen and watch those moles(I know that I will be!!!)

Back out in the REAL World

One week and a day after surgery I went out in the real world... Of course, I had to catch a ride CAUSE THEY WON'T LET ME DRIVE YET!!! We(my doctor and me) are going to talk about that today... I have an appointment with my surgeon today at 1:30. I am so at peace that it actually frightens me a bit. GOD has been so big and present on all of this journey that I am frightened by the memories of the times that I thought that I could "handle it myself." We are so quick to try to "fix" our stuff and really we just need GOD!!! I gave Him the control of this journey and so far HE is a much better driver than I could ever be...

So many people are rallying around reminding me that I am loved... just as I am. And it makes me realize that when I feel like it's me against the world... it's not! GOD has blessed me so much with an incredible network of friends and family(blood and spiritual) that it brings me to tears... daily!!! I was blown away by the love and support I felt today at this meeting I went to... I know that GOD has healed me but I also know that all the prayers that have been uttered on my behalf were a HUGE part of that... I truely feel blessed more than words can express!!!


I saw one friend that had thyroid cancer a couple of years ago... She said something that has had me thinking... I can give all the details about every procedure and result ... treatment .. healing ... surgery... You name it.... I can give you the detail!!! But, the word that I have not uttered about myself .... is the "c" word... Melanoma-sure! malignant melanoma- not a problem! but... here I go(if typing it count) cancer... I had cancer!! Yuck! my fingers are actually shaking as I type... there is something very scary about that word... I have been a little difficult to live with the past couple of days and I think that may be part of it... As I realize that this really has been a big deal!!! I really could be sicker than I am... but, do you know why I am not???? GOD ANSWERS OUR PRAYERS!!!! GOD is the great physician... I am healed because of GOD's love and mercy!!

All of this gives me a new perspective on my life... it is fragile and I am going to treat it like it matters... My body, mind and soul... There will be more "me" things that I do... (as long as the redheads are good) and there will be less fretting over the things that I have no control over...I WILL turn it all over to GOD and he can handle it... I see life in a different light now... Not as if it over or will last forever.... I see it how GOD means for us to... Fleeting... we are only promised right now... My aunt sang this song "One Day At A Time" and those words are ringing in my ears right now..

One day at a time, Sweet Jesus,
That's all I'm asking of you
Please give me the strength
To do all the things that I have to do

Yesterday's gone, Sweet Jesus
And tomorrow may never be mine
Just give me the strength
To live one day at a time.


That powerful chorus... that is my new theme... Keep it in the day we have... It is a true gift...

hey, I almost forgot to give the daily elephant report....he is packing his bags and moving to a new home... WEAR SUNSCREEN!!!!

Why I let the elephant visit

Do you have to wonder why I let the elephant sit on my chest??? They are 2 very good reasons.... The smiles are usually there but these particular ones are from being in our favorite spot... the beach!!!

The elephant is still shrinking and I am going to work a little tomorrow... Christmas open house is this weekend at a friend's antique shop.. And since I am a great "FLUFFER" (what ever that is) I am going to go "FLUFF" the shop for the season.. Deck the Halls and all that...

More about the journey: A friend sent me a great devotion the day after my surgery... Called the "Isolation Chamber" by Os Hillman. In it he talked about sometimes we are put in these places(where I am right now) by the Lord for us to wait... WAIT on HIM!!! The scripture is that same one that keeps popping up..."Be still and know that I am GOD"... Do you see a pattern??? He talked about how the stillness can be disturbing and that we may not understand the why we are there... but know that the who of why we are there is trying to teach us something... I live a very planned and carefully delegated life... GOD was ready to throw out my day planner and do it HIMSELF... Thank you, Lord. I may not "get it" but I am willing to try. Here I am---Teach me...

I was talking with a friend today about my new pace... I said that I was moving a little slow right now and he laughed and said..."You are now at about the pace of a normal person." YIKES!!! I am beginning to see what GOD is up to.... He needs me to slow down to hear HIM... I may not be at "normal" pace for awhile... but, that is ok..... I am moving toward my "new normal" everyday

Watch for shrinking elephants...